I'm no Ebert and Roeper but...

I'm no Ebert and Roeper but...

So I boarded the late train and finally watched Twilight... online. This was a result of being stuck in the house for 2 days, with my Twilight book sitting on the table, just tempting me to read it. I told myself that I had to watch the movie first, that way I'd be less disappointed than all the Twilight fans out there who did happen to read the book first.

Anyway, I was pretty disappointed of the outcome, regardless. There was too much hype over a movie where I was only on the edge of my seat, excited for about a total of 15 minutes. I'm even going to go as far as saying I felt like I got blue-balled.

They did, however, do a good job of beating out all the vampire stereotypes. You know the whole sleeping in a coffin, only appearing during the night, sporting the whole slicked back do with the heavily defined widow's peak. Sure they are still albino as hell, but the script-writers did try to normalize them as much as possible. They play a good old game of American baseball, only during thunderstorms of course, go to prom, and even if they have the ability to run 89437 miles an hour, they still make use of driving cars... it's almost no difference compared to Morris in his BMW!

What most Twilight crazed girls see as perfection in Edward Cullen, is what I would define as a creep. I'd say he met nearly every criteria of my creep list. I can't say I'm totally down for someone magically appearing in my room without me knowing, let alone watching me sleep. I kind of don't like the idea of someone wanting to read my mind either. I guess I was never too keen of big brother watching me...but it does have its perks. If by chance you are really unlucky and a car happens to nearly crash into you, he will save you with his mighty hand. If you happen to be walking in a shady alley and are about to be sexually assaulted by 4 teenage douchebags, you bet he will be there to ram their asses with his car. It's also impressive to say your boyfriend has the agility of Pikachu. You may be beautiful and heroic RPatz, but if I look up and see your reflection in my mirror of my second story room in the middle of the night, 2 words.."get out."

Okay, so that last paragraph was totally buttered in sarcasm. I just had to point out some of the weird, funny things he did. You can totally suck my blood Edward.

I totally didn't get into the movie until about an hour or so in. I was beginning to question if this was still a movie about vampires. I mean, c'mon where's the blood and the sucking?! I was finally reassured when James smelled Bella's scent and started his pursuit for her blood. Sadly, this climatic scene only lasted what seemed like 15 minutes. Within these 15 minutes I felt the 'epic' vampire fight over Bella lasted 3 minutes tops. I guess that's what happens when it's 7 vampires vs 1.

So, if I were to make a math equation to sum up a better movie, it would look a little something like this.

3/8 Setting + Edward not wasting time trying to be mysterious and straight up telling Bella he is obviously a vampire + 5/8 omg James is going to eat my girlfiend + other cool climatic things

I guess what I've learned more than anything is a whole new outlook on vampires, and that I will no longer affiliate them with bats, but rather spider monkeys.

The movie wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best either. I'd give it a meh, and hope that the book will be ten times better. What are your opinions? (:

PS. You should read the Abridged script of this movie at http://www.the-editing-room.com/twilight.html , it is a good laugh.